For those of us already inducted into the delicate art of Trumpet playing, why to play the Trumpet – and only the Trumpet – is obvious. Please do not feel the need to read this blog. It is for the poor, benighted, none trumpet people.
1. Everything – everything – else is utter rubbish in comparison
Firstly we address why you don’t want to play any other pox ridden ‘instrument’. (1) With a fine musical History dating back to 1500 BC (2) the Trumpet has more than survived the test of time, making it ‘the one’. Many have just died out. Weak. While other instruments have been around for a while, they are just not the same: after all, when you really look into it the piano is just a pretentious three-legged table and the violin variations all fancy kindling.
2. Olympian like hand to eye co-ordination
Playing the trumpet takes your standard run of the mill motor skills and move them up to the next level, as you translate the music on the page into co-ordinated hand, mouth and air flow thus making you the most dexterous of the humans. (3)
3. Rippling Abs
When playing you are engaging your core muscles while you use that diaphragm like never before! This takes the doughnut filled middle section and turns it into something resembling a washboard. (4) For the super ambitious among you, you could even look into the world of Marching bands.
4. You are being Social, well done you
From an early age we are being pushed into getting along with our peers and being polite to strangers. This is no exception: or is it? To the unknowing parent you will appear to be getting along with a wide and varied group of people at bands. To a potential employer looking at a CV you have tangible proof you can get along with other humans who are in the same room as you. This may be the truth for you. Afterall, for many people playing the Trumpet, and maybe – maybe – another instrument, (but mostly the trumpet,) (1b) is a great way to get out and socialize.
BUT there is a hidden underbelly. The music snob. This is a clever guise used by the most unsocial of all. Under the pretense of being so into the music the music snob will not play in any bands. A variety of reasons are given for this: ‘no one understands my style of music’: ‘there isn’t a high enough level band for me’: and, of course, ‘I’m working on a Solo project’.’ With this arsenal of excuses your hermit-like behavior is permittable even encouraged as ‘eccentric genius.’ (5b)
Following on from the Genius theme is the opportunity to convince the musically ignorant around you that you are in fact the second coming of Mozart. It is a well-known fact that the Trumpet holds more musical prestige than some of its more pop-friendly counterparts. *Cough* Guitars *Cough*
The best bit? You don’t even have to do the stuffy classical training associated with the well-respected era of Mozart. Just let them assume are reap the respect. (5) If for any reason the fact that you play a ‘classical’ instrument does not make the musical ignorant around you drop down in worship throw words like ’embouchure’ around. If that fails, walk away. You don’t need that kind of negativity in your life.
Sometimes if you’re really lucky people pay you. Enough said. (5)
As a powerful instrument, the Trumpet is an ideal way to express your anger at others in a manner that can suitably express your emotions without your actions being classified as assault in a court of law. It’s also a fun way to release you inner teenager in all of their angst-filled glory and work through any lingering issues without actually having to speak about any feelings. Win Win. (6)
8. I have confidence mee ee ee (7)
One does not practice the trumpet to be a timid little mouse that no one can hear. Either with or without the Trumpet. Over time even the most faint hearted, special little snowflake will blossom. Loudly. With confidence. Because the Trumpet makes you confident. (5c)
9. You Become the ultimate leader
With all this new found confidence it is clear you will become the ultimate leader. (5) One such example that will allow you spread your confident new wings is in the band room. All musicians know the conductor is exclusively for show.(8) As such it is for the Trumpet to take the reigns, set the speed and aggressively lead the bad, giving no quarter to those who fall behind.
The only potential risk to your hypothetical position of power is the drummer. But have no fear. Due to the clever shape of the Trumpet you can direct the bell at anyone foolish enough to ignore your leadership, thus forcing them back in line with your immense volume.
All avenues of music are great for improving your memory and extending the lifetime of your cognition. (9) The Trumpet will do this more than others as you constantly have complex main lines and only three valves with which to make them.
They Bounce! (10)
(1) This is just my opinion and not fact. Apparently. (1b) Just me again…..
(2) This is True! We all know Wikipedia is never wrong. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Trumpet
(3) You may still appear to be an average Human Being. This is likely because you were destined to be sub-par in the hand to eye co-ordination section of life. I do not have any kind of medical degree to back up the previous sentence.
(4) Rippling Abs may remain hidden under a layer of fat. Playing the trumpet does not replace the sort of exercise one was forced to partake in, in P.E. Can’t hurt though.
(5) This is in no way guaranteed. (5b) They may just think you are odd. (5c) But doesn’t it sound plausible?
(6) This may not be a win-win situation. While fun, a Trumpet is not a qualified medical professional who can help you work through any emotional issues. It’s also a good idea to not intentionally deafen someone. This would likely be classified as assault.
(7) This line was written while singing I have confidence #TUNE
(8) Don’t tell them this. Conductors are a delicate breed. Also do not tell them that.
(9) Still no medical degree……. but once again: Doesn’t it sound plausible?
(10) NOT ALL OF THEM!